I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things – ideas, relationships, activities, attitudes, etc. – that no longer serve me and why I hold on to them for so damn long.
I’ve held onto jobs because I love the people, even though I stopped growing. I’ve held onto relationships even though I am bored or know that the pairing is toxic because I don’t want to be seen as a bad friend or I feel like the person needs my help or because I’m afraid of being seen as a failure. I’ve committed to doing MANY things that do not serve me for no reason other than I don’t want to give up (that fear of failure thing again, maybe – perfectionism is a bitch).
Last year, I set some lofty goals for myself – with A LOT of thought behind them. I’m working towards each at my own pace and with my own loose plan. One of the goals was to read Les Miserables – a weighty tome that has defeated me on several attempts. That book is f-ing UNREADABLE, y’all. If you’ve done it, you have a higher threshold for boredom and entirely unnecessary description than I do, and I salute you. So, instead of continuing to torture myself, I decided to give up and not waste my hours slogging through a book that I am bored to tears reading. Instead, my daughter, Mary, and I went to see a performance of Les Miserables at The Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. – and it was glorious! At the end of the 3 hours, Mary looked at me and said, “Have you ever not been sure if you could stand at the end of a show because it was just that amazing, Mom?” She spoke for both of our experiences that evening. If I had stuck with my original plan, instead of letting go, I would have been stuck reading something that I did not find joy in – instead I was blessed by a magical performance with my daughter. I’m so glad that I let go.
But how do we know when to let go and when to dig in? Is boredom enough to let go? Is a commitment to others enough to dig in, even if you’re not being served?
A few weeks ago, I was working with two teammates on a reading (re-reading for me) of Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead. I love listening to her books because she narrates them so I often miss the exercises in the books because I immediately get distracted (thanks, undiagnosed ADD) as soon as I arrive at my destination. This time I read a physical copy and re-discovered an exercise about values. I’m always game for a psychology/leadership exercise, so I examined the list as suggested to identify my two core values. Connection was the first one – yep, that’s me. Reading further, growth smacked me between the eyes. Yep, that’s me too. As my long-time personal mission statement is “To create and nourish authentic, heartfelt connections and a space where uniqueness and growth are cherished and encouraged” these values should not have been a surprise. And they weren’t – but they did make me look at my priorities again.
My 50 List is about growth – how do I want to evolve over the next months and years – how do I want to connect with others? Where do I want to let go and where do I want to dig in?
And at its core: How do I step into my next phase as my kids go to college and don’t need me as much anymore? How do I grow and connect in different ways than as their Mom? How do I let go a little so they can be independent, but know where to dig in to stay connected in their lives?
Damn, that’s hard.
Letting go (slightly) of one part of my life means getting to grow in other ways. I need deeply to remember that part of my personal evolution. There will be things that I try that I don’t want to do again – and that’s ok. There will be friends that I make that will be forever and some that will fall away – and that’s ok. I don’t need a reason and I don’t need to fit with anyone else’s expectations.
And I need to keep reminding myself that it’s not just OK – it’s growth.
P.S. If you’re following along on the 50 list, here’s where I am!
- I took a drawing class that I loved. Next up will likely be a watercolor class.
- I took a Beginner Belly Dancing class that I loved and I signed up for the next one that begins in July!
- Mary and I went to see Les Miserables (instead of suffering through that unreadable book), and it was magical.
- I took a fly fishing class last weekend and loved it. (Holy crap is that gear expensive!).
- I signed up for the Bay Bridge Run in November. I already hate myself for this, but I think it will be great (and painful).
- I’ve started to practice yoga handstands (that one is gonna take a while…).
- I’m working towards the others, though some of the trips may be put off to next year due to family reasons – and we got almost no snow this year, so skiing may need to be a destination trip next year (darn).