“Doing right”

For about the last two months – between conferences, board meetings, hearings, and normal work trips – I’ve been traveling for work more than I’ve been at home. I’ll never complain about my career – I know that I am privileged to do interesting and challenging work with a team that I truly love every day. But when I layer on top of that challenging work a difficult graduate-level statistics class (that is legitimately kicking my ass and about which I WILL complain – dramatically and often) and home responsibilities, I’m stretched too thin, and I’m not taking care of myself.

It caught up with me this weekend with an exhausting cold and headache. Nothing serious or terrible (and COVID negative) – just enough of a reminder to slow down a bit and not take on the entire world (as is my normal state of existence). I had to miss a family event that I really wanted to attend, but I definitely didn’t want to spread around a cold. And I did something else that I really hate doing – and have rarely done in my career – I bowed out of a panel speaking engagement in which I was looking forward to participating. But it’s a four hour drive away for an all-day conference tomorrow – and I just can’t do it.

Now I’m beating myself up a little – even as I simultaneously exhale a sigh of relief for not having to get back in my car this afternoon and drive to West Virginia – for not being able to “do it all”. I’ll fret about letting down the organization to which I committed my time, even though it’s the “right thing” to do (nobody wants a speaker sneezing all over them).

So, why do I feel so guilty about missing a family event and this conference? I know that my family wouldn’t have wanted me to be there miserable or passing along a cold. I was speaking on a panel tomorrow, so my absence won’t really impact the flow of the conference. My daughter will be happy that I’m home for two extra nights (not sure about the husband as I am cranky!). I’ll have more time to focus on preparing for an important upcoming work meeting. And – I’ll have more time to rest and get well (which shouldn’t be a last priority, but generally is, including on this list).

The people pleasing perfectionist part of me is real and present – and while I’ve learned to mitigate that part with authenticity and embracing having difficult conversations over the years, I still struggle with feeling like I’ve let someone down, instead of focusing on what I might be “doing right”.

And right now, for me, “doing right” is sipping mint tea and reading a book, under a fuzzy blanket, with a cat sleeping nearby. And for right now, I’ll “do right” and let go of my guilt and just take care of myself. I hope that you are doing the same.